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| .can't.sleep. |
| 08.21.04 (2:01 am) [edit] |
 [ music | depeche mode ] [ mood | furious ]well christ, I can't sleep again.. I've slept maybe fourteen hrs in the last one-twenty.. [ if ya do the math I'm missing approx thirty hrs] I don' t believe this is insomnia, I haven't had that since highschool and short bout in college.. but fuck am I bitter.. I wake easily and can't get back to sleep... this week has sucked I think.. I don't talk about me much on here, so I may as well kill some time: didn't get the promotion at work, kinda got stepped over by someone else there [they're really great so its hard to be bitter ] I didn't care about the position, it just would have been a reason to stay; its not a reason to leave.. I still like my job and if it paid me what I need, I wouldn't care... but fuck it.. had a really good interview with a digital music company, being a rep for them; I think I would really like to work for them, they treated me like a professional from the moment I walked in the door, they were very friendly and it seemed like a really good place to be. have some other things lined up, so I'm keeping my ear to the ground.. hmm my uncle passed away during surgery last week; I was not very close to him at all, which makes me sad, I never got to know him; all of the crap that been revolving around me lately seemed so insignificant to this fact... I really want to be home for my mother, she grew up with him, and I cannot be there for her when she needs me. I think that bothers me the most lately... what the fuck do I care about everything else thats going on out there, when my family needs me and I can't do anything for them.. hating this place just enough... it been a huge dissapointment... and every opportunity here seems sullied by something I cannot explain.. I fall short of things here and I'm really wondering if its me or this place.. regardless, I need to move.. going to try living down town .. new job.. find new people as best I can.. I think I came here expecting to leave soon and it hasn't happened.. so every little retarded injustice/slight has just managed to piss me off more one day at a time.. so thats definately getting to me.. Minou's health being here has been nothing but declining.. I'm worried about her, but somethings you just cannot fix.. happiness doesn't get fixed with surgery or a bandaide.. people keep telling me I need to do things for myself.. but how the fuck do you do that, when the people that need you, need to do things for themselves... there is no real option, at some point you have to comprimise, and thats what I seem to do.. I miss being angry.. I had that at least when I was a bit younger.. I wasn't special, didn't care if I was and I still don't .. I don't need a gold star to tell me I can do whatever I want.. whatever I put my mind to.. only problem seems to be, when you do things for others how do you fufill you needs? doesn't work.. so I may not be miraculous anymore, I may not be responsible or perfect, but I always get up and do my job.. what I have to do, I go and do it.. I don't think I complain about that enough.. I rarely ask whats in it for me, and when I do its a joke, I don't get whats in it for me.. I'm pretty certain I know 'what' I want to go back to school for and can use it well.. [ MBA IT] Master Business Admin InfoTech .. Its the most relevant thing for myself and my company.. now I just need free money... I'm looking at Athabasca University.. I think it will give me what I need.. so monday looks like job search day and phone calls to find out how much of my soul I need to give up to make this happen.. I'm rather confused lately.. I always figured happiness was something you were.. not something you had to either work at or 'earn'.. I bust my ass doing what I have to.. why it isn't getting me anywhere has me completely confounded.. I thought if you were a hard worker it meant something.. instead I get pissed on more often than not.. I don't get paid to think.. and that is my specialty.. fuck me.. *sigh* I'm gonna go play Vice City and maybe get tired... fuck.... |
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-silence- .speak without fear. .know that beauty is balance/beauty is flesh. .know that life is a road we fall blindly downward. .know that when we touch, we affect things. .know this all means something. .love is only here to devour & fondle us. |