[ .lips.to.close. ]

the city lit like candles
and neon rushing red
my mouth is full of you
where there is only
biting and nails left
for us to communicate with
as the lights in our
windowlined back drop
shrouds our secrets
and our needful touch

© Bryan McLean Aug 24 2006

[ sounds : john coltrane, oscar peterson, miles davis, dizzy gillespie ]

update
just added a new right panel --->
the older one was driving me asthetically madd..

not sure I'm happy with it but its good enough for now.

cheers
+laine+

[ .cccxxii. : three hundred and twenty-two  days ]

" we keep the beat
with your blistered feet
And we bullet the words
at the mockingbirds"
.fall.out.boy.

just ran 8km in 73 mins (4.8miles)

I am going to be sore tomorrow, thats for sure...
but at least I'm in shape still.

And No, I'm not crazy, I just don't want my heart to give out at 40,
better start a good habit now than decide to do it later.

lots of thoughts.. just nothing to explain right now
+good.laine+

[ .cccxxi. : three hundred and twenty-one  days ]

" could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
or only one way that it was always meant to be
you kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away "
~jim.adkins, jimmy.eat.world

[ .words. : seperate.reality~ c.castaneda ]
[ .sound. : the.fray, klazz.brothers, oakenfold ]

midnite, plus seven degress celsius, overcast broadcast
first quarter 44% full moon, just past ostara

tired again, just a very strange week, as we are doing a major conversion this weekend for work, so spent a huge portion of time resolving accounts and data before the big move..

otherwise, running in the a.m. should be a good start, just need to get up at 7, so thats extremely early for me given I'm the 1-9 kind of person.. being awake late nite is better for me, but can't always fit in 'life' stuff with those hours.. but should go okay.

too much in my head atm to really word any of it properly.. but nearly done my meds, so I'll see how that goes. think I've injured my left elbow however, may need to see the doctor, but hopefully I didn't fracture anything. just a few falls and bangs that seem to have kept it from healing I suppose.

[ .cadaver.secrets. ]

claws at my dried lips
once meant for kissing
prying my mouth open
from the inside out
to crawl & jesture
jabbing out through
broken cheek & chin
clockwork beatles,
moths, and millipedes
love, each and every one
seeking out the heat of light
escaping the warmth
of an internal night
where rushing skin
has now gone cold

© Bryan McLean, March 15 2007,
excerpt from The Syndrome Papers
Book III : The Epoch Wake

[ .cccxi. : three hundred and eleven days ]

" it was the sweetness of your skin
it was the hope of all we might have been
that filled me with the hope
to wish impossible things "
~r.smith, the.cure

two fifty-two ante meridiem..

peace seems to be the thing I'm constantly looking for.. internally, externally... elusively.. its as simple as the air we breathe.. and often times I'm reminded of that fact.. but I am constantly restless..

all my studies offer peace, but it does not come.. as robert said : I think I've reached that point, where giving up and going on, are both the same dead end to me, are both the same old song..

often I am aware of that space between greatness, insanity, & obscurity... perish or publish..  my genius-at-work sign thrown out, my brilliance stored away for winter a that's not ending..

minou asked the other day why I don't paint any more.. and after considering it ... I really have nothing to paint.. I don't have the materials, but thats just an excuse..

I used to have ideas and images I could only get out of my head by sketching it out ... but I just don't seem to have anything to say that requires a brush any more.. like I'm on extended break, and just don't feel like doing it anymore ..

as Onetti said, "I am not a writer except when I write."

and all my abillities do not mean I am constantly trying to do them.. I want to see new things, do new things in new places.. but I choose to be here,  not there...

so I choose not to paint.. seems like the same obvious conundrum to me..

+lost.laine+

[ .ccc. : three hundred days ]

" i'll take my chances while
you take your time with
this game you play"
~j.rzeznik, ggdolls

minus four degrees celsius..
should be in the tens this week however..

still taking my meds.. every other day.. twenty-two days left by the looks of it.. finding on my off days though I'm pretty irrational, upset or angry for no clear reason..

I don't want to blame not being on them, but it seems I am pretty down or angry on those days.. I continue to have irrational behaviour when I'm like that...

I will admit I am financially frustrated.. I get paid well, but it seems I am constantly out of $.. I don't seem to be wasting my money on lavish or crazy things... food mostly... but its still difficult to make solid decisions when I keep waiting for something to come around..

As well I am very physically needy.. I don't think I'm getting the attention I really need, and its definately making me frustrated and angry.. Minou has been busy an unavailable, and its not her fault at all. 

But I'm terribly confused when I'm told often I'm pretty, intelligent, interesting, and attractive .. I thought that was supposed to make a difference... and being polyamorous is supposed to make things easier, if only slightly, in that dept..
but I have no other partners atm, no one is available for me, and think I'm just dissolving into some kind of cyclical dissapointment with the whole thing..

often I'm told or get repetitive signs to be paitent.. but I cannot see how 'waiting it out' nor 'it will come along when its right' does me any good.. how long is the 'waiting' supposed to occur.. really now? 

last I checked I'm not immortal..
I just have to out live everyone I know..
thats the only promise I really have to keep..

I know its not the most important thing in the world really.. it just seems to get more compounded by the length of time or distance between others..

I seem to choose ppl (okay, girls.. i gave up on boys some time ago.. ) 
that are far away.. which on one hand says I have standards..
and on the other says, I am trying to remain distant inside and out..

okay.. I'm over analyzing now.. I'm sure of it..

great.. I'm angry, confused, frustrated 'and' crazy..

just what I needed..

+lost.laine+