[ .cxc. : day one hundred and ninety days ]

"we're only taking turns, holding this world"
~the fray

okay, so, its 3am.. dropped my dose again, to see how it goes.. need to moderate the weight gain as its good to be healthy for a change, but need to watch things like colesterol and heart heath and just plain not gettng obese becuase I don't want to be a lazy spooge..

early morning.. chatting online, trying to catch up on mobililty info.. been a long day.. had a director meeting today, have so much work on my to do docate at work, I'm getting frustrated with the back log.. meh...

Need more physical attention still, but I need to be patient and take it easy.. no point in stressing about it.. just one day at a time is a good motto often.

I finally have a fantastic new cell phone though, and that is important for keeping me up to date.. my cell # changed though.. meh.. black, nokia, mp3 2.0cam, miniSD, bluetooth, so its perfect for what I need it for, in terms of personal use.

I could rant more, but its just not there tonite.
oh well...

+shaking.lost.laine+

[ .the.damage.in.our.right.and.wrong. ]

just all those little things
that still lay
between two people
lovers friends acquaintances
the damage in our right and wrong
without song on the knife blade
that's where our broken slumber lies

under all this skirting
not prepaired
the wind my kind & cruel foe
its message clear
echoes from the outskirts
where the wild girls lie

but its still there
where you are not
running all the night hours
tired but I cannot sleep
every aching moment
is acting out again

© Bryan McLean May 18 2006

day 179 [ .clxxix. ]

feeling... hmmm.. well its somewhere.. frankly, I don't feel numb.. but there is something tiring around my edges, thats for sure. I cannot reach nor describe how I apparently feel at the moment.

I was hoping my dosage would even me out. I'm trying to not need more or worry about it.. I've been consistant at least... I've had more up and down days, but the memory problems that were showing up again have passed

frustrated.. I seem to be trying and wanting to learn things at an accelerated rate.. but I only have so much time to work with and I can't do everything all at once.. *sigh* my brain is slow and wants more information all the time.. so my limits really should be a reminder of having patience I suppose..

girls.. hmmm.. well its hard to explain physical company.. too many ppl expect too much or think of love or monogamy as some kind of end all be all cure.. too many movies I see now and for a very long time promote (as its the norm) the boy-meets-girl girl-gets-boy philosophy .. its not that this is wrong, but when its the norm and you cannot teach that there are other options, ppl have no clue how to deal with it, once they encounter a difference..

well.. now I'm ranting.. which means I'm tired and becoming stupid.. I should have just been an asshole, apparently life is easier to deal with, when you don't care about anyone else but yourself.

cest la vie

+lost.laine+

The how I can't recall
But I'm staring at what once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet amidst the broad daylight

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
So this is where you are, and this is where I've been
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

~the fray

day 175 [ .clxxv. ]

what the fuck am I doing? its well past 5am.. and I can't bloody well sleep again.. I'm theorectically waiting for my laundry to to dry. but thats clearly a false reason.. *Sigh*

Hmm.. been dizzy on and off.. no reason.. not sick.. I've gained 20lbs in 5mths, and to many's shock I weigh 115lbs... freakishly more than normal... I know... guess I'm starting to 'weigh my age'

work.. I have more web projects than I can get to lately, I need my own pc but thats just not a good likely hood at this time.. I need to replace my cell as well.. tired of working over time.. but someone needs to for a bit longer anyways.. umm..

agreed to myself that I need to go back to painting and drawing.. various reasons have shown me that my unhappy state is stemming from my inability to apply my creative abilities to what I was 'meant' to do , versus what I am capable of doing..

learning spanish.. yes.. I've gone crazy.. okay, well I suck, but I'm starting the basics still.. and also I'm learning more photoshop/webdesign.. hoping to learn flash, but again, pc and time are hard to come by lately..

physically frustrated.. I seem to not be free when others are.. and the irony of being poly and having only your primary partner around seems well... confusing on a level I can't convey in english.. *sigh* I seem to have gone from getting off three times a day to three to six days before I do or even seem to care.. *shrug*

my writing has been unstable, but its still there... I was worried it had left me, but I know its just been a time of year when no words are at hand..

I could say more but I think I'm ranting and I've finally managed to tire myself out.. I hope at least.... well new day on a new year.. I wonder what that really means, if anything at all..

*sigh*

well, read on, my loveless, non-readers..

+lost.and.dark.laine+