not been well.. I don't think I've had my normal appeitite for the month.. maybe longer.. I'm sure not eating is making me abnormally moody. I have very little energy to deal with things.. which is terrible becuase I have zero motivation now.  work. sleep. day is done. Things have not worked out either and I no longer have a plan.. I've felt a lot lately that I have to make decisions immediately or act a certain way just to get by.. I think I've been rather accustomed to making my way through it all .. but its just not enough now I suppose. never was really, but it kept me content enough. I was doing really good but no big shock that I'm moody though. rather convinced that things just don't work out for me for a reason. prolly the universe reminding me that all material things are false. Just tough not to want. when there are so many things that are worth it. *shrug* I'm sure this is terribly short and pretty ambiguious.. oh well.. that sums me up most of the time anyways.

+lost.again.laine+

this is the bed that i have made
this is the grave where i will lay
these are the hands where i will bury my face
i dont believe in wasting time
searching for truth you never find
nobody moves we live in the great decay
all these ghost towns share a name
anywhere, usa
all these strangers look the same
day after day after day
this great decay, the great decay
from birth to the grave
and ive seen what it can do
and im afraid its got me to
cause i can feel it suck me in
cause i can feel im losing grip
day after day its static life
week after week is sacrificed
month after month you meditate
all of the years that waste away
this is the life that i embrace
this is the world that i create
falling into the great decay
give in give in give up
all these verses share a theme
we dont amount to anything
its the day after bloodsucking day
this great decay, this great decay
asleep in your grave
~Cursive

[ .you.wrote. ]

sacred knowing
in our angry placebo egos

ghosts are our natural state
outside meat & breath

where our enemies lie
and all our lies

are waking

in the nightime edges
were we seethe
they no longer require us

to hold them down
and make their lungs move

in the underground shifting
our masks are
all that are holding us back
from making the shaking words
echo out in our lingering seconds
so that in peicemeal breaks
thunder knows our names

in shapes of sound
that drum against my cured face
its pressing down
and there is no wherewithal left
to feed us all the breathy love
thats murming our endings
and kissing down our spines

feeling at our weary edges
only seen from bright blue
or sea grey-green
its our limit to the nail
scuffing into the boards

our wrappings all waxed
and now etched with lines
from your whirring passion
thats now pressed heavily
into my fore-running skin
as epic as the lines you wrote

[ kill : jimmyeatworld ] 

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it


I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but not to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

[ .the.hollow.future. ]

under the pillow
under handed
your lacking racer's heat
is eating up our light
and dismantling our sun
where we cancel our fears
to match our needful freedom
where there is no plam
holding us up any longer

tired of cupping underchin
to distract your attentives
back on me
in song works
all my weary nights
keep finding at my empty core
the hollow hearted future
thats wrought
with my bidden plams
that show spires in the glass

rubbing matchlings at twilight
our senses know the other worlds
you can see the ugly faces
that all mark the coming days
with their hungry breath
and drooling jaws
thats blurring up our semblance
and rending down our seems

but you're apart
in mirrors like your memory
where it seeths
in the thunderland
thats fading from our tones
lengthy are our shadows here
as we stand on watch
and know all dirt & dust
as familar as a friend
are aching to hold us
in our freshly ready resting places
underneath our waiting feet

© Bryan McLean, Jan 10 2006,
excerpt from Dark Transmutations

[ .awake.all.burnt. ]

no eyes
rotting words
on the blotted page
all my marker
buried here
its out on the mile
in the sounding gun
the one left out in white sand

my echoes
ever reaching
all directions
make my sounds surround
in swirling serpentine edge

still down here
under wing
still flightless
in your hollow heart
my burnings turn me numb
and I cannot hear the sounds
I've make in these empty rooms
all this night time

the spirits drunk
or burnt from too much acid
my echoes reaching
at the dark edges of my space
where we lay our palms to ground
now head near door
angry in your summer light
now long forgotten
but still tearing at the faces
that make up the watching sounds

all our night eyes
gone out
blown out
and only our hollow sounds
replace the movements
they once made
in the dark late day

where shifting toes
reach broken boards
and sleep refuses
to find me here
nothing will put me down
nor out
inconsequential
and so accustomed
to my lack of rest

you hands break my shelter
and there is no movement now
only the ache
and angry edges
of my tangled house
harrowed by your head & hands
in bindings and short writings
that I find in letter format
under my blatant run through
abandoned now for my only calling

© Bryan McLean Jan 03 06, first of the year,
excerpt from dark transmutations

"i think it's dark and it looks like rain" you said
"and the wind is blowing like it's the end of the
world" you said "and it's so cold it's like the
cold if you were dead" and then you smiled for
a second.

"i think i'm old and i'm feeling pain" you said
"and it's all running out like it's the end of the
world" you said "and it's so cold, like the
cold if you were dead" and then you smiled for
a second

sometimes you make me feel like i'm living at
the edge of the world like i'm living at the edge
of the world "it's just the way i smile" you said

~robert smith

janus - january

Janus is the Roman god known as the custodian of the universe. He is the god of beginnings and the guardian of gates and doors. He is lord over the first hour of every day, the first day of the month and January, the first month of the year. Two heads back to back represent Janus, each looking in opposite directions. His double-faced head appears on many Roman coins. Originally, one face was bearded and one was not, most likely representing the sun and the moon. In his right hand he holds a key. He was worshipped at the beginning of planting time, harvest, marriages, births and other important beginnings in a person’s life.

The Romans believed you could ensure good endings if you began an endeavor with prayers to Janus. His principle temple in the Forum had doors facing east and west to mark the beginning and end of the day. Between the doors stood his statue gazing in opposite directions. In every home, the morning prayer was addressed to him and in many domestic undertakings, his help was sought.

Janus also represents the transition between primitive life and civilization, between rural and urban existence. He also maintains the balance between peace and war and youth and old age. Janus was considered to be a great king during the Golden Age and brought the people peace and great wealth. He introduced money, cultivation of the fields and the law. He was considered the protector of Rome.