.to.give.

I break everything
my hands shatter the willing
I talk too much
over lunch over theater
in mozart real time
over everyone in shades
I ruin everything with words and hurt
yet its all I have left in me to give

too hyper or lonely
I'm not really here anymore
too complex
the first male, the last man
cannot shut up my bristling words
my shining words
choppy and cynical

illusions are best kept unarmed
better left alone
but always the fool
the old piano theme
a paris love
romance not in me
just everything passing
looking for my mistake
my flaw, fault or error

cannot round out the gun in hand
the bad or bitter waste this is
tree or life
I'm wounded in my idleness
my ignorant being
my sleeping aberration

© BMc 2004

 .king.of.all.the.sad.things. [ music | massive.attack ][frustrated]

too much crap going on..

hmmm update.. did not get the job at DMX.. cest la vie.. they went with someone that has more experience working in that direct field for a very similar company.. but I was very close to them.

...Did not get the 'exact position' as a manger at another store either [second internal interview in two weeks]; recieved an offer from them to move over there and do some serious training and learn other things with them for a bit more money.. its positive, I just want to be moving somewhere better..

*sigh* just tired of being 49% and not 51%... being second place means nothing in this case... I'm only slightly bitter about that becuse I did everything to believe and prove I'm the one. just dissapointed in myself mostly.... but dissapointment doesn't pay my bills or get me out of this rut..

things aren't working like this.. I'm tired of being down most of the time.. I don't want to be reliant on other people any more, but christ I need someone to take care of me for awhile... I'm tired of things I cannot change... it wouldn't be such a big deal if it didn't feel like so many.. and those I can, I'm trying, trying so hard.. but its not hard enough or good enough..

I really miss my family. I haven't seen them in over a year.. they need me no matter what they tell me.. Adian is four now. Guess I'm the estranged uncle.. not very useful to them right now anyways..

*sigh* tired of going nowhere.. tired of wondering what is wrong with me and why no one needs me.. *hrrumph* just gonna have to suck it up as usual and keep going...

.. back to my corner.

+lost.laine+

[ an older piece of mine; just having memory issues ]

.broken.down.house.

I am here resting in my broken down house
and I am crying over spilt memories
and wanted so badly to make it work
but I ended up lonely
and searching for enemies
and I will never make it back
from the path I am leaving behind
and I hope the road is kind to you
because it has lost me
and I keep falling deeper
into the mire in my mind
walking on the outside of my own body
touching down on stars
that I have been waiting for
to come and open me up

 .hungry.to.be.able.

there is no sun
no silver moon
no dying in this life
where everyday is easy money
a suffering that comes too quick

the payload and the sorrow
that eats at uninspired marrow
where the little ones that lay at my feet
are down to nine and five

and wanderlust is not repayed
nor replayed upon the mire
my knife laid down beside my palms
these wounded hands of mine

thunder in the distance
where I'm hungry to be able
to function in the dim light
my only androgynous nocturnal nite

head to door in full surround
the nite reflections from my eyes
my dirty hands, my blackened finger tips

where my bones ache
and thunder pushes at my hurting face
the black tears crusted to my ceeks
caking up my visions that I once had

in the sun, your black sun
that won't turn off the echos in my head
and somewhere down
within my shell
I cannot sleep nor weep
or the sun will swallow me

© bmc 2004

[ nEw : CuRe ]

... ladies and gentlemen.. looks like he's mostly off the anti-depressants.. thank the music godzesses..

I didn't like the cover so I made my own.. ^

its much much more like older Cure =] not the tragedy of bloodflowers... admitedly you can find some redeeming tracks on any album [watching me fall, 39]; but overall suck-age; I didn't hate it, it just wasn't what you wait 3 years for...

so its more like live tracks, upbeat, sketchy walls of noise.. good enough for me.. can't miss them if they tour. CANNOT.

I'm out ... +laine+